


I, Buffy

by flurblewig



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-24
Updated: 2010-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:43:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flurblewig/pseuds/flurblewig





	I, Buffy

It wasn't like he wanted to get it on with the Slayer, or anything - God, what was he, some kind of pervert? - but he had to admit it, his girl looked good.

Buffy wasn't bad-looking, that was the thing; pretty face, nice hair, hot body. If she'd been - well, a normal chick, things might've been different. He could have forgiven her the geeky friends - people in glass houses, and all that - and the lack of proper respect, if it hadn't been for the goddamn attitude. Bitch thought she was better than he was, and that - well, that wasn't ever going to be forgiven.

The robot blinked at him, her wide smile unwavering. Huh. Maybe he needed to tweak that a little. It came off a bit too unnatural - Buffy Summers never looked that happy.

"Take off your clothes," he said.

"Yes, Warren," she said, and began to strip. Routine #17, if he wasn't mistaken. He checked his notes - she'd picked #6 last time, so the randomiser program was working fine. Good. He didn't want Spike to get bored. He wanted Spike to be holed up in his godawful crypt, fucking himself senseless on this thing - and out of the way. A bored Spike might interfere with his plans. Or worse still, keep turning up on his doorstep looking for things to break. Valuable things. Precious things. No. Not gonna happen. Spike had to be kept out of here, kept occupied - and he had just the girl to do it.

She tossed away her panties with a practised flourish, and struck a pose. "Very good," he said.

Her hand snaked slowly down her body. "Do you want to watch me pleasure myself?"

Warren glanced back down at his notes, then at his watch. Spike was due to collect his merchandise in half an hour, and he _had_ checked that routine already. Once or twice.

He shook his head. "No. Let's run through your personnel files instead."

"Okay," she said. "I'm Buffy Summers. I slay vampires. I - "

"Yeah, uh - maybe you should leave that bit out. Let's not make too big a big deal about the slaying part."

"Yes, Warren. I'm Buffy Summers. I live at 1630 Revello Drive, Sunnydale. I like ice cream and saving the world and giving blow jobs."

"Uh - oh, what the fuck. That'll do. It's not like he's going to be discussing the meaning of life with you, is it? Okay, carry on."

"I have an annoying bratty sister called Dawn. She thinks Spike is sexy too. So does Xander. He's my annoying bratty sidekick. "

"Maybe - no, leave that too. Who are we to suppress the truth, huh?"

"Yes, Warren. My other best friend is Willow. She's gay now, but she might not be if she could have Spike. If Willow wants to kiss me, I'm to let her. And then take off my clothes." She looked down at herself. "If I have any on. I really prefer being naked."

"It's a good lifestyle choice for you. Now what about -" He consulted his notes again. "Angel?"

"Angel is my stupid ex-boyfriend. I slept with him because he is a vampire and reminded me of Spike, but he is not like Spike at all. He isn't sexy and has a very small penis. I don't like Angel any more. He loved his hair gel more than me."

"Okay, cool. I think that probably covers everything on the background knowledge front. Now, tell me the Laws."

"I may not injure my Master, or, through inaction, allow my Master to come to harm."

"And who is your Master?"

"Warren Mears."

"Good. And the next two laws?"

"I must obey orders given me by Spike, except where such orders would conflict with a higher-order law. I must protect my own existence, as long as such protection does not conflict with a higher-order law. "

"Very good. And the Fourth Law?"

"The definitive James Bond is, was, and always shall be, Sean Connery."

"Excellent. Well done, Buffy. Okay, let's see some moves now, shall we?"

"Yes, Warren." She sank down onto the floor, and crossed her ankles behind her head. Warren winced slightly.

"It doesn't hurt," she said brightly. "I can stay like this for hours."

"Great, great. Er, okay, stand up again and bend over."

"Yes, Warren." She scrambled up again and spun round, bending at the waist and putting her hands flat on the floor in front of her. Warren moved toward her, then sprang back as a thick stream of whitish liquid spurted out and splashed at his feet.

"Fuck! Jeez, turn down the auto-lube response, okay? _Right_ down. It's supposed to ease the way a bit, not drown the poor fucking bastard."

"Sorry, Warren. Adjusting settings."

"Make sure you do! Fuck. Okay, let's call it a day there. Put your clothes back on."

"Yes, Warren. Can I have sex with Spike soon?"

"Sure you can. He'll be here any minute. Just go and wait over there."

He made the final ticks on his sheet. All systems go. One Slayer: ready, willing and able to fuck any vampire's brains out. Just as ordered. Would you like fries with that?

It wouldn't last, of course. It was a funny thing; you'd think that perfect obedience and a skill-set straight out of the Kama Sutra would be a surefire ticket to happyland, but - well, it didn't seem to work out that way. It got old, and quickly. Still, it seemed like Spike pretty much had the attention span of a goldfish, so maybe that was for the best. Although he was going to have to make sure he moved house before it all fell apart. He'd heard about vampires - about their _appetites._ He could well imagine Spike turning up with a different order every time he got bored, and knowing that pervert he'd probably end up want one of himself made, so that he could try giving himself a blow job. And there was no way in hell that Warren was going to making some kind of freaky Spikesexbot with a twelve-inch detachable penis.

Although... maybe one of those _might_ have its uses...

 

\- End -


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